"Do you trust Me?"

Well. Life hasn't really gotten any calmer since my last post. Things have in fact gotten a bit hairier. Work has been crazy for both Frank and I. We get at most two days off together every 14-15 days. Things are just nuts. And God has been working on me in a few ways.

So NYE I wrote that blog about being ok with the baby situation. And that hasn't changed. I'm still ok. But God decided to test me on that last week. Since we've been TTC for so long, I have a very lengthy chart of my cycle. The time came for me to start, and it passed... 8 days passed, to be precise. Now, in 2 years, I've never been more than 2 days late. Frank got his hopes up early on that I was pregnant, and with each day that didn't bring that little visitor, my hopes went a little higher, until somewhere around day 5 I realized they were somewhere in outer space they were so high. I did the one thing I had sworn I wouldn't do again... buy a pregnancy test. Which of course the little girl at Publix was SO excited to see, because Frank and I are just "such a cute couple!"... and then it comes back negative. Blah. Then suddenly, at the end of day 8, I started getting those first few signs that a period was coming... I spiraled down SO fast, it was like a plane doing a nose dive straight to the ground. I started to get mad and depressed all at the same time. Frank had spent two separate fasts praying specifically to be healed and be able to get me pregnant.... I had completely decided I would trust in God and wait on His timing.. and then He gives me hope and takes it away!? How dare He? Anyways, that's where my thoughts went. The next morning I was reading in my Bible and my devotions (even though I was mad and didn't want to) and I realized that my actions proved that I wasn't really ready to trust God. I was at a crossroads and I had a choice to make: I could either let my flesh win and continue being mad at the One who loved me more than I could love myself... the One who would be the only one to help me achieve my desires.. or I could fully and completely trust and rely on God, knowing that He has a better plan that I could ever imagine. Hebrews 5:7 says that "While Jesus was here on earth, He offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue Him from death. And God heard His prayers because of His deep reverence for God." I read that verse and almost cried, sitting in the parking lot of Longleaf Elementary. God heard Jesus' prayers because of His deep reverence for God. Was I showing a deep reverence to God with my attitude, or was I living in the flesh? I had a choice, and up until then I was choosing the wrong thing. Then later that morning, it was around 1030 as I was getting out of my car and walking up to Brentwood Elementary and I swear, I heard God speak to me. "My daughter, do you trust me? Do you trust that I will provide all your needs? Do you trust me with your innermost desires?" I stopped dead in my tracks and just stood there on the sidewalk. "But God" I said in my spirit, "this was mean. This was a horrible, cruel joke to play on me. In 2 years you've kept my body on a schedule, and then now You knowingly let me get my hopes up, only to fall flat on my rear? You dangle that one thing I want more than anything else in front of my face, and then snatch it away?" "Sweet daughter, it wasn't dangled in your face. You weren't pregnant, you didn't lose a child. And I haven't said you will never have children. You need to trust me. I need to make sure that your heart really, completely trusts Me and relies solely on Me. I didn't cause this to happen to you, but I did allow it to come, to help you see the areas you need to work on. Were you really reliant on me if you were so quick to curse me for this?" "But... but God, really, I did trust You! I promise I did! I wanted to wait on Your timing...." "And once My timing was revealed to not be your timing, how did you react?" *long pause* "Child, I love you. I want to give you the desires of your heart. But I know what is best and this was not the right time. I will not tell you when the right time will come, you need to trust that it will come when I am ready for it." "Yes, Lord. I want to trust. I really do." "Then fix your attitude. You can say you trust me all you want.. you can write it in your blog, you can tell your friends... you can even tell yourself that all you want. But daughter, I see your heart. I know what is really in there. Do you think you can hide that from me? Saying you trust me and then not really trusting me completely doesn't do you any good." "Yes, Father. I'm sorry. I really am." "So, my child, what is it you should say now?" "Father, I believe... help me with my unbelief. I trust You... help me to trust You more in the areas I am weak in." "I'm right here. Just lean on Me."

Now, that sounds like a lengthy conversation. But it happened in less than 2 minutes. Granted, I'm fairly sure people were staring at me like I was a crazy person for sniffling and standing in the middle of the sidewalk with my huge box of curriculum. But for the rest of the day, that conversation was all I could think of. I had the choice to turn this into a learning opportunity, or I could allow Satan to win and have victory over my emotions and thoughts. So I chose to once again hand over my desires and let life and attitude be in deep reverence to God.

Oh, in other news, Frank's loan is over halfway gone now, and should gone by the end of April, PTL. And I have finally convinced Frank to get a tattoo with me. I can't wait! :) Thanks for checking in, and please keep us in your prayers. It's greatly appreciated.