Well. It's about time I join the land of bloggers. I mean, I "follow" so many people with blogs, its only fair I add my life into the realm for random people to read, right? (Side note, I just discovered my question mark button doesn't want to work... fiddlesticks.) Anyways, I'm nearing 30, I've been married for almost 4 years.... I'm at that stage where I should blog. At least that's what I've gathered now during my two weeks of being "down" for recovery from my tonsillectomy. I've spent the majority of the last two weeks on my computer, reading people blogs from all over, people I've never met, people I used to know, people that I do know.... and I decided that I had just as much to write about. So, now that I've explained why I'm starting a blog, I'm gonna mosey along and move into what thoughts I've been thinking that prompted me to write said blog.
So. For those who haven't yet heard, Frank and I have infertility issues. May of 2011 we discovered that my practically perfect husband has problems with his testicles. There are many things that could be the cause (a medicine his mother took while pregnant with him, a medicine he took as a child, too many hot baths as a adolescent, too many injuries from karate... etc), but the base issue is there is scar tissue on his testicles. It prohibits him from producing testosterone (more on this in a minute) and it means the sperm he makes are mostly "defective" (essentially, where most healthy males in their 20's have about 2 million healthy sperm to work with, Frank has less than 200,000, which means percentage-wise, there's less than a like, 2% chance we'll have kids naturally). There's no real help for this, because of it being a testicle issue. Had it been a problem with the hormones his brain produces telling his testicles to work, then we could've easily fixed it. Now, this in and of itself isn't too terrible. Its disheartening, true. But even for those healthy males with 2 million little swimmers, it only takes 1 to get pregnant. So its just a matter of time, right? Now on to the testosterone issue. Well, his testosterone is so low, its what you'd expect to see in a 65+ male, not a 24 year old male. Problem is, testosterone is one of those hormones that drop as you age. So, there's a chance by his 30th birthday, he'll need to take testosterone replacement hormones. (Too low testosterone levels for an extended period of time can cause some major health issues, so its not something we can just ignore.) Problem with that is, the synthetic version of testosterone they make has a very unfortunate side effect: sterilization. Rock? Meet hard spot. So, essentially IVF is the only way we could have kids (short of an old fashioned miracle). Problem with that is that its at least 20K for ONE TRY. They say when it comes to IVF, you need to plan emotionally and financially for a minimum of three tries before it takes. That's 60 grand. We don't exactly have that lying around. So we've tried Chinese herbs, special diets... we've even gone and tried a sperm donor. Nothing. So we move on to adoption. Which seems like a great solution. We're totally open to it. But going through a Christian agency (mandatory if we're going to adopt) is outrageously expensive. To the tune of 25 grand or more, expensive. Ok, well what about foster care? Well Frank's family did foster care when he was growing up. Thanks to some really bad experiences there, Frank isn't open to that (and I don't blame him, with the stories I heard). That leaves private adoptions, the kind where a friend of a friend has a niece who's daughter is having a baby but can't keep it kind of thing. Been there, tried that. Got to the stage where we were discussing things with an attorney before it soured and fell apart. So believe me when I tell you, we've exhausted our options. I used to cry every time I saw another friend announce on Facebook they were pregnant. I cried looking at baby pictures. I ached every time I saw pregnancy pictures. I got mad when people made (what I thought of as) stupid decisions, when I would've been so much more grateful or smart or whatever than they were. I bought baby clothes, cloth diapers, car seats and strollers for "when" we would finally get pregnant. We have a fully functional, baby-ready home..... and no baby. I've cried, I've gotten mad, I've been jealous.... you name it, I've been it. They say there's 5 stages to grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I've been through them all, some more than once, some longer than others.... I have finally hit "acceptance"... but I would say its more like "contentment". I love my Frank more than words can express. If its God's plan for our lives to only ever have each other, than I am grateful that we found each other. I would rather have no children and have him as my husband than to have another guy and a house full of children. I still love kids, don't get me wrong. But I have a pretty great life. I don't need kids to complete it. Kids are ALWAYS welcome, but they are no longer necessary.
To this effect, I'm done trying. I'm done stressing, I'm done looking for new alternatives and new methods to conceive. I've been blessed already beyond anything I could've ever deserved. I'm happy with my life and where God has me. I can face the new year and not be saddened at the thought that another mothers day is coming and still I'm not a mother. I have healed. I'm whole, I'm not missing anything. I get to watch my friends have babies, and I can offer helpful suggestions when asked (sometimes when not asked, but I'm working on that, haha) and I can love on the various children in my life.
So, thanks for reading and be sure to check in later. There's tons more that I have to talk about. :)
(Edit: I feel as if I should put here that this contentment isn't something I JUST realized. I've been at this place for about 3 months now. I just haven't expressed it to the world as whole until now.)
